Some Days

Some days I think I’m more in love with the idea of being in love.

Some days I long for gentle brushes, skin-to-skin,
Fingers intertwining, palms pressed so tight.

Some days I crave long conversations about the universe, as cheesy as that sounds.
How the earth beneath our feet breathes millennials of history,
And some days we’d argue about who was the uglier child.

Some days we’d choose silence over long talks,
When millions of things could be said but we’d rather waste time speaking nothing.
When your slow, steady breaths do all the talking for me.

But some days I’m content with no company,
No sounds to reciprocate,
No questions to answer,
No conflicts to resolve,
Merely me, existing in my own bubble with my own floating thoughts.

Some days I’d rather dream than make reality,
Because it’s easier even through the frustration,
It’s comfortable, risk-less. Where did my spirit go?
Where is my spirit?

Some days, confusion overwhelms me. Am I merely humouring these ideas?
Or am I ready to step forward,
Turn some days into most days,
Bear the bad as much as to bask in the good?

Or is all of this pointless?
“Stop overthinking and just go with the flow.”
I’ll stop when I’m given a chance to stop, when I’m not plagued by a thousand worries,
Countless self-inflicted stress.
Maybe I’ll stop then.

But yes, some days I wish for many things.

Some days I think I’m more in love with the idea of being in love.

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Whimsical

“You’re saying that by setting an arbitrary time limit for yourself, you feel better about the choices you’re making now?”

How do I answer this?

More than anything, I hate that word.

Arbitrary. Based on random choice or personal whim.

I’d like to believe every principle I have – or have set for myself can be justified with a solid reason. It is not based on personal whim. It is not a ditzy thought I conjured up one day to excuse whatever action I did during the time. I would like to believe that. However it’s sad to admit I’ve fallen victim to hasty decisions and brittle self-promises, all constructed in an ~arbitrary~ fashion.

There goes that word again.

I should step back and analyse myself, understand what it is I am capable of and should be committed in before I chain another promise to my ankle. But if in the actual context, to answer that initial question; yes. But I have grown to accept this promise and live with this decision. I am taking this as a learning experience.

PS: Najwa Mahiaddin‘s rendition of Seri Mersing is hauntingly beautiful. I get chills listening to it.