3 a.m. contemplations

 

About a month ago, I planned on going to Jakarta for Synchronize Festival 2017 with a friend of mine – but due to some unfortunate circumstances, she can’t make the trip.

So knowing that we’re not going to go anymore, and out of purely sadistic tendencies, I decided to properly check out what I’d be missing out on.

Instant regret.

I’m praying for a miracle at this point but part of me is toying with the idea of going alone. Just. Fuck it. And go alone. Like come up with a very, very meticulous plan on the journey to and fro, timing, everything, and be brave enough to make the trip.

I’m well aware that Jakarta is nothing like KL. Risks are risks, but fuck man I’m 23, I need to do something, at least one thing for myself this year.

A colleague once told me that in life, all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage – a line he took from We Bought A Zoo and actually implemented in his life. That’s both admirable but… slightly overzealous. But I guess that’s the point. Maybe all I need is just 20 seconds of insane courage to book that flight ticket and hop on it. You know?

But then again, maybe I’m being stupid? I’m betting on an idealistic scenario here; if I win, I’ll be striking gold but damn, if I lose and things don’t go my way, it’s safe to say I’ll be fucked – and Jakarta isn’t particularly popular when it comes to safety, is it? At least, according to the internet. Forgive me Jakarta people, your city doesn’t scream safe to a novice traveller. 😦

But the desire is still there and I’m going to see whether I can pull this off, at least during the pre-planning stages. Whatever it is, I’m giving myself until the 1st to decide.

Till then.

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Lived-In Look

From the Laundry Room

The goal was to write a blog post once a week and I failed.

No lives were taken, no money lost. Just a mental game I played with myself that didn’t work out.

Oh well, there’s always next week to get it right.

My daughter turns twenty-four on Saturday. She’s at that age where she’s honing her life skills and setting copious goals. Real ones, not just blog posts.

She’s trying and succeeding and then failing. She’s often disappointed or pissed. It’s called being in your twenties, I try to tell her.

My comments and advice are often entertained, but I fear the older my children get, there will be less entertaining. I’m guessing by thirty, they will no longer bother hiding the eye-rolls.

So, if I had my oldest’s undivided attention. If her siblings weren’t interrupting or she wasn’t texting or taking a picture, this is what I would…

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4 a.m

It’s 4 a.m, I don’t know what to think about. Bedroom dimly lit, my eyes drooping bit by bit.

It’s 4 a.m, maybe I should start drawing again – or I could finish my work, clean my room, maybe ponder on the inevitable fact that I’m not socially woke enough.

Or I could drunk text people.

It’s 4 a.m, what are inhibitions?

It’s 4 a.m on a Saturday.

What do we do at 4 a.m?

General Stuff (ongoing)

  1. People like noise. Noise serves as a distraction to us because we’re all afraid of the silence that it takes to conjure up an original thought or two.
  2. Laziness is a fucking disease.
  3. Nobody gives two fucks about you. Self-consciousness is a nasty product of an overactive imagination. Destroy that social construct.
  4. Questioning authority, questioning religion, questioning culture, beliefs, the system – is normal. Having an inquisitive mind prevents it from idling. Keep yourself sharp.
  5. Jumping from one sentence to another is confusing and exhausting. Gotta know how to stop and take a breath before you talk.
  6. Social anxiety. Deliberate.
  7. When done right, confrontation is a road to closure. That should give you the peace of mind you’re looking for. Stop letting your emotions simmer and get the best of you.
  8. The world doesn’t like any of us much and it rarely operates the way you want it to. Embrace failure – or at least give it a pat on the back.
  9. Fear is a bitch. It’s a weak ass bitch that forces you to succumb. The more you give in, the stronger it gets.
  10. Hearing vs listening: know the difference.
  11. Stop pretending to know things if you don’t. Asking questions lead to way more interesting conversations.
  12. All talk and no show makes you a laughing stock.
  13. Quality over quantity bitches.
  14. Indecision is a decision – a lousy one but it’s still a decision.
  15. If all else fails, recognising that our existence is inherently meaningless should provide us with that one last positive outlook in life.
  16. Lying is the sleaziest thing you can ever do.
  17. “The deeper you invest in others, the more you lose out on yourself”
  18. Sometimes you gotta let out your inner Thought Catalogue fangirl. Give her room to indulge a little.
  19. Sleep. Water. A walk. You’ll feel so good.
  20. Learn how to fucking manage your time and stop slacking.
  21. Acknowledge your privilege and stop whining about it. If you hate it so much then use it to give back.
  22. Social media is disgusting sometimes.
  23. Everyone has daddy issues, you’re not that special.
  24. Optimists exist for a reason – similarly, so do pessimists so would you like a refill?.
  25. Everyone’s a little racist. Acknowledge it. Fix yourself.

 

Daily one (sometimes two)-liners. 

Wants

There was a quote in The Alchemist that goes:

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

I have this theory that once a person reaches a certain point in their life, the only thing they will think about is their own welfare.

Everything else is irrelevant.

Whether it’s the want to pursue a dream, or the desire to fall in love, we come to a point where we choose to have nothing but happiness for ourselves. What makes us happy? What can we reap from the overflowing abundance of possibilities the world has sown?

The journey will suck, like a big, fat wrecking ball constantly taking a swing at your stomach – nobody said it’d be a breeze but I’m willing to gamble that it’d be worth it.

I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a boat that’s rocking perilously between jagged rocks and still water. Like two halves of the world split in between the wooden planks underneath my feet.

If I could just dip my foot into that clear water…

So the waves will slow, to gently lap the boat and sway it to a steady rhythm.

If I could only reach out and take what I want. I want to be able to do that, because despite the fears I have to overcome, I know I want this.

Self-reflection makes you realise things. Like what you really want and what you deserve; they provide you this sense of comfort knowing that you’re one step closer to this vague glitterbomb underneath the Maldivian blue waters we so-call happiness.


 

Midnight Musings: Passion vs Occupation

Work. To support your hobby.

This is so important and it’s something I’m beginning to realise more and more.

When I first started work, I thought I had to find a job that meant everything to me. I had to find that niche and turn it into an occupation because I was always fed the idea to always ‘do something you love’ which explains a lot why I keep bouncing from one job to another.

‘Do something you love’ is amazing advice but here’s the thing.

Doing something you love doesn’t necessarily mean make it your occupation. This is the biggest misconception we have nowadays, especially among us millennials. We expect to get a job that we are passionate about and brings us gratification, happiness and all the while fitting in a big fat paycheck in between.

But the real world doesn’t work like that. The real world doesn’t give a shit about your aspirations to become a musician. Instead it says if you don’t take this job that has nothing to do with music, then you won’t be able to afford becoming a musician.

So what’s it going to be?

When you reach that kind of ultimatum, you need to ask yourself what is more important. You need to grow the fuck up and learn to prioritise.

Ideally, everyone would want to get paid for doing something they love. Everyone wants their art to be showcased, their music to be heard, their books to be read but sometimes you need to accept the fact that life really doesn’t work that way.

So here is my little nugget of wisdom for the day; if you have no opportunity or are not given the privilege to pursue your hobby as a career, find a job you don’t mind doing. Find something you know you’re good at that can be profitable and hone it. Make that money. There is no shame in falling into the corporate world and selling a bit of your soul to big companies. In the mean time, learn as much as you can. All these experiences will act as an investment for your real passion, your real aspirations.

When you already have a clear goal pictured, the only thing you need to worry about is paving the path to get there. Jobs I realise, especially now, are nothing but the bricks to lay on the pavement to ease your journey which, ultimately, will be your hobby.

Some people have it better – and that’s fine. Some people have it much worse – and that’s unfortunate but it just means they have to work a little bit harder. Shit man, at the end of the day, do what fits you.

Fuck the rest, you do you boo.

The usual disclaimer: My thoughts are my own. Should you want to discuss, hit me up on Twitter: @IzzyKhaleedy. Should you want to argue, also hit me up on Twitter because I love me some drama.

Review: Night People – You Me At Six

ymas

This is an ode to my 16 year-old self who had taken this band, incorporated them into her life and made it part of her musical preference identity (if there is such a thing).

If you were a fan of Paramore, you’d also have been a fan of You Me At Six – or at least heard of them because of their tight affiliations.

I, like many girls who treated Hot Topic as their H&M, was a huge fan back when I was in my teens. From time to time, I kept track of them but sort of lost interest after Sinners Never Sleep (which is still one of my favourite albums of all time regardless of age or ‘musical maturity’ – whatever the fuck). In 2014, You Me At Six (YMAS) released Cavalier Youth. During the time, I was teetering on the edges between loving and hating it but settled for indifference. It was a solid album but nothing compared to its predecessor in my – very – personal opinion. However, like I said, it was good, it was You Me At Six.

Now, fast forward to three years later, they’ve released a new full-length album called Night People. Bear in mind, this was after a 3-year gap of vagueness. No EPs, save for a few singles in 2016. Even though I’d lost interest in their stuff, I was still following them on Twitter so when they dropped the bomb that a new album was about to come out, curiosity got the better of me. I mean why not? The fact that this band had been with me for the good part of my teenage years warrants this curiosity, this sort of longing hopefulness that they would put up another album and indirectly inform those who’ve been with them since their 2008 debut; Take Off Your Colours they’re still here, still making music.

Before I go further, I will preface this by saying it’ll be a completely biased review based on my personal take on the band but the conclusion will be from a neutral standpoint (if I can manage that). Here goes.

I listened to this with no expectation in mind save for the curiosity on how their new album would sound like compared to the previous ones. Now, this is strictly based on a first-time listen and I was met with slight disappointment. The lacklustre production quality mixed together with the same old YMAS vibe just left me with a painful grimace. Here is a band who clearly has not…. grown… with the times. It was as if they were adamant on keeping the same-aged range fanbase throughout their entire career – which, is all too fine if that’s what they’re aiming at but for longtime fans, or people who’ve known them since the very beginning, this album certainly hasn’t wow-ed us. It doesn’t have the essence of growth and maturity that comes with years of making music.

It was as if – and forgive me for being crass – they’ve thrown in shitty riffs and tried to fit in as many verses/words as they could into the song progression. It was just bad overall. Now, YMAS is well-known to do that. This disastrous feat is common and shared amongst others like Sleeping With Sirens but with YMAS, it was a hit or miss. Sometimes they fit and sometimes they’re bad but it is always present. In this album, it was as if they couldn’t give two shits about the composition and jumped straight to devising ways to make the chorus catchy. Even the slow songs didn’t evoke any nostalgia like I thought they would.

Night People is akin to stale bread, it’s bland, reused and recycled from the same source just churned out into multiple variations. I’m sad because I’d expected more from them, especially after 2 years of working on this album.

But I promised an unbiased review so here goes – production quality is subpar, I have to say. The songs are repetitive and generally sound the same but Josh Franceschi’s voice is still a prominent feature that was dearly missed by the fans,despite the rawness and lack of perfectly clean vocals (maybe then again, this was intentional). I have also fallen into that chasm of longing to listen to him sing some new songs. I did enjoy Take On The World and it’s probably my favourite song off of this album.

All in all, there is nothing relatively special about Night People. It still bears the same You Me At Six trademark, distinctly so, and to fans who expect nothing less and nothing more, this is perfect for you. However, to those who had expected change in sound, sad to say this will disappoint. A good 3 out of 5 at most.