With Conviction

There is very little that I care for in this world.

‘Care’ – or caring – in a sense that I take something very seriously, to trust and follow its nature wholly until no obstacle can pose as a threat. Whether it be an idea or inspiration; if it feels right to me, I go full throttle.

For the longest time, I’ve always thought I cared too much – but I was struck by a small epiphany that I’ve foolishly mistaken caring for simply being in a constant state of crippling anxiety.

My relationship with anxiety and fear have always gotten the best of me. They jumble up my emotions, my perception of situations, and fuck up my internal assessment.

Deep seated issues aside, caring about something is the very foundation of one’s passion. How much do you care about cooking, for example, to make it your ambition? How far are you willing to go to satiate your craving for self fulfilment?

I remember having a conversation with my colleague who doubled as a frontman in a band. He was giving me an insight on the cost of living as a musician.

“We get paid a certain amount to play shows – and most of the time it’s a laughable amount. Most of the money goes to transportation, rental, and other stuff. Whatever that’s left goes back to the band’s fund. Sometimes if we play shows far away, and accommodation isn’t provided, we have to fork out our own money to get by.”

So then why do you do it? Why go through all that? Waste so much money? Agree to play gigs so far away? Subject yourself to all these inconveniences?

“Well, everyone has their hobbies. This is mine.”

A humbling answer that took me by surprise. I realised then that the worst torture people voluntarily put themselves through isn’t some act of heroism that they want the world to acknowledge, merely the trials that come with what they choose to pursue. Getting over those obstacles count as an accomplishment and accomplishments fuel people up with more motivation to keep going despite what hurdle may come. It’s a wonderfully complex and exciting cycle.

You might be thinking that this is one of those obvious realisations and I’d be too stupid to treat it as a newfound discovery but you should also understand that many things we know have absolutely no substantial meaning/weight until something inside us clicks; an instinctual mechanism that’s locked itself in, kind of like fitting that last piece of a small puzzle. Deeply satisfying.

An epiphany is a visceral knowledge of something we already know.

These are two epiphanies I’m glad struck me. Now I’m unraveling a new puzzle; what is it that makes me care? What can I fill my time with that is important to me? What is it in my life that makes me want to pursue with doubtless conviction?

I guess part of the excitement is finding that out. So. We’ll see!

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