Aimless

I am stuck on a road with many different paths forked in front of me. Some bear signs; blinking neon letters, dreary old-fashioned fonts, and others just dirt roads, stretching a million miles out.
It’s not a rare sight to see. For years I’ve wandered through the same roads aimlessly only to find many others appearing and disappearing as I tread along. Never once did I stop to think. It was as if my thoughts were completely separated from my continuously moving body. Is this why I feel like I’m on autopilot most of my life?

I am where I am now not because of me. I make aimless decisions because every path that I take feels familiar, safe, comforting. Too much comfort makes your mind dull. That’s why I feel so lost. Unknowingly I’ve trudged down a path so far away from where I’d wanted to go, I’ve lost myself.

But I can’t stop now, not when I’ve walked so far down. I can’t afford to turn back so I can find some remnant of who I was. Or maybe I just have a flair for drama. Maybe I like to blame my adversity on other people’s choices for me, disregarding my own fault for – dare I say – blindly following said choices.

The lingering sting of regret, ironically, comforts me. I am in my safe haven. But for how long?

I am aimless and without a purpose. I am uncertain with unwavering doubts. I am stuck in front of a road with many different paths and I’ve never been more afraid.

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3 thoughts on “Aimless

  1. I’ve felt that way. Direction and purpose turn indifference on its head. Waking up the comatose parts and living takes some effort. Some action. I’ve found movement to be helpful in these moments. Anyway, thanks for posting.

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  2. I agree. So true. Numbness can feel so debilitating. Working up the energy or resolve to take action can be extremely difficult. That’s probably the hardest part. The talking yourself in to doing the doing. Lethargy by definition isn’t excited about movement in any form, is it? Maybe that’s where our growth comes from though. Cheers!

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