First goodbyes are always the hardest.

Today I took a leap of faith and decided to leave my job.

In all fairness, I’ve only been there for 5 months but it hit me way harder than it should have and I’m going to tell you why.

I’ve been mulling over this decision for a few weeks or so because I just didn’t see this as a long term thing. When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, that’s when you have to take a chance and get out. I took that chance (about a few hours ago) and now I’m surrounded by sadness. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel anything but sadness.

When I decided to tell my employer I was leaving, he was more than understanding. He conveyed his disappointment but understood that I was young and I needed to flourish; leave, try new things and explore what the world has to offer. The one thing I’d realised was that he only mentioned his disappointment once and it wasn’t even directed towards me; he didn’t tell me all the mistakes I’ve made or all the stupid things I’d done – rather, he took the time and told me positive things like how much I’ve learned and improved as an individual, how I had fit in very well with the company and even offered me a reference if I needed any in the future.

I never expected this response and thanked him so much for understanding. Gratefulness overwhelmed me so much so that I had to take a five minute break and cry in the toilet.

Because of this, I suddenly had doubts on whether or not to leave.

Being stuck in a bad job with a good boss is a hundred times better than being in a good job with a bad boss. 

I grew scared and was on the verge of regretting my decision. Suddenly I couldn’t even remember why I’d decided to leave but it’s logical to feel this way – and damn me if I don’t embrace being an emotional wreck right now. Everything is happening all at once, the floodgates are open and I’m bombarded by 2579237 emotions.

Regardless.

This has been such a valuable experience for me. I learned so much just by being in this small company, surrounded by people who’d taught me so many things. And I am sad because I’ve grown attached to this environment. Making the choice to leave was heartbreaking. I never once thought that I could feel like this – growing attached to a company and its people – but the tears proved otherwise. This was my first job out of college. My first working experience in the field that I’d studied for. My first adult decision I’ve made. My first stepping stone.

I’m wallowing in sadness and I’d like to stay that way for a while. At least, until I’ve come to terms with leaving. I’ve made a decision and whether or not it was the right one remains to be seen. However, when I get over this, I will be excited for the opportunities coming my way but for now I’m going to choose sadness over excitement. Just because.

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